Reflecting And Moving Forward
I think 2023 is going to be a great year.
2022 was a challenging year for me. I had been on medication for my depression and anxiety for over five years at the start of 2022. I wanted to have healed by then. Why were the experiences I had more than a decade ago still affecting me and my day-to-day life?
I am very fortunate to have the support that I do because I was allowed the space to retreat, heal, take care of myself, and come back as someone I was more comfortable and happy with.
Healing from mental health struggles is not a linear process and cannot be easily broken down into concrete steps. However there were key processes I went through in my healing journey and I want to share them with you in hopes it encourages you to do your own reflection.
*Remember that our experiences are different and what works for me may not work for you so it is important to do your own reflection.
Making sense of what was happening to me
My younger self was constantly worried about my health not knowing that physical health is related to my mental health. I had not learned to name my anxiety symptoms yet so I would worry that there was something wrong with my body.
For example, when I experienced anxiety (and I experienced it a whole lot day to day) I would have trouble breathing and my heart rate would increase. Of course it was scary!
I started:
Naming my physical experiences. Heart rate, difficult breathing, tingling sensations
Noting the types of thoughts I was having Self-doubts, self-sabotage Positive thoughts about myself and others Around certain people
Keeping track of patterns When do I tend to feel stressed? Around which people do I feel good around? When do I tend to be the most happy?
Digging into why it was happening
It is really difficult to push past the initial “I don’t know” when you’re asked to engage in self-reflection. It is also overwhelming. You’re asking me to reflect on things I have tried to block out of my memory, have forgotten, or make me feel really uncomfortable remembering! So do this at a pace you are able to manage – take your time and be gentle to yourself.
I reflected on:
My past Traumas, relationships, support, pressure, expectations Good memories (getting into mischief, gathering with my cousins, and hanging out with my best friends throughout the years) I do not judge the choices I made because at the time it did not feel like I was making choices, it felt like survival.
My current environment Clutter, mess, and cleanliness Work/study area My room – I love my room. I like to slowly add to my room to make it reflect my personality. I love love love hanging out with my cat in my room!
Nutrition I have a very inconsistent appetite. Some days I will eat a lot and some days I am not able to swallow my food. Look out for patterns, when do you tend to feel a certain way and what makes you feel better? I have been watching what I put in my body without feeling guilty about eating things that are not considered “healthy”
For example, when I do not have an appetite, scrolling on my phone often worsens the situation. However, it helps me when I eat with someone else in real life or virtually.
What can I do about it now?
Reflecting on what I can do now was really challenging for me. For one, I had to accept the fact that I cannot change the past. I just have to move on and there was no choice in that. However, there are choices I can make for myself that will help me from now on and from this point forward.
Things I can do for myself:
Change my environment. This one is not easy. Depending on your finances, support, stability, changing your environment can often feel impossible. If you cannot do it now, what are some things you can do to set yourself up to eventually change your environment?
Therapy and medication.
Encourage myself to take risks, try new things, just go for it.
Change how I view failure, allow myself space to make mistakes and learn
Reparent myself, rewire my brain
Trust myself
Start implementing
We’ve done a lot of thinking so far, so let’s take actionable steps. Remember that this is an ongoing process and it can feel frustrating and overwhelming. You may end some days feeling totally defeated. You may wake up feeling exhausted and you may on some days feel hopeless. But it will get easier with practice.
Implementing changes in my life consisted of a lot of trial and error. There is no way of knowing the outcome of something if we never try it. So a few things I implemented in my life this past year is:
Decluttering my spaces. Every week, I pick one tiny area of my home to declutter. I will only work on decluttering one drawer of my dresser or only the top of my desk. I have collected so many things over the years and I feel too attached to get rid of them so I have A LOT of things I do not need nor have space for.
Instead of saying “I will do it later,” do the things I can right away and get it over with. This saves me a lot of anxiety and feeling bad about myself when I forget to do the task I said I would do later.
Give myself an hour to create art. This is a time where I can experiment in my sketch book or work on an art project. This is me time.
Processing as I heal
I can confidently say this is the most happy I have ever been and it feels good to acknowledge that. I feel more confident with myself, my abilities, and my work. I feel a genuine connection with people in my life.
However, I still have painful days where I question if any of this is worth it. When I am hard on myself I remember that I was not thinking about my career, dreams, or aspirations while I was in survival mode.
As we heal, we are also adjusting to change and it can feel strange and unsettling at the beginning so trust yourself and enjoy the process.
